Craving Absolution Read online

“You’re not messing it up,” I argued.

  “You’re not getting what you need from me. I’m messing it up.” He lifted his head and shook it slowly.

  “So, fix it,” I whispered, pushing my hand into his hair and gripping it tightly. When I pulled his head to my hips, he growled, and within seconds his tongue was everywhere. He licked and sucked and bit me tenderly, his hands holding my thighs open as he loved on me.

  When my orgasm finally rushed over me, I called his name, making noises I didn’t even know I was capable of.

  “Fuck, you’re so goddamn sexy.” He groaned, climbing from the bed so he could take off his boots and drop his jeans and boxers to the floor. “I missed the way you taste.”

  I smiled blearily at him as he climbed up between my thighs, still feeling hazy from my orgasm. I just wanted to cuddle at that point, my body so boneless I felt like I could slither right off the bed.

  “No, you don’t, beautiful,” he said teasingly as my eyelids started drooping. “Up on your knees.”

  “Why?” I whined as he used my arms to pull me up.

  “You’ve been on your back too long already, Ladybug,” he said, chiding me.

  “Have you been reading my pregnancy books?”

  “Shut up and get on your knees.”

  He positioned me so I was sitting on my heels, my hands holding on to the headboard. When I didn’t feel him move up behind me, I turned my head, flicking my hair over my shoulder so I could see him.

  “Well?” I asked.

  “Let me look for a second.”

  “No. I’ve been waiting long enough. Get up here,” I ordered, making him smile.

  I loved the way the skin around his eyes crinkled when he smiled; it was like he didn’t just smile with his lips, but his entire face. Gorgeous.

  He moved in behind me, and I leaned forward so he could scoot his knees under me and between mine. He ran his hands down my back from neck to tailbone, and tears hit my eyes at the familiar gesture.

  “You ready?” he rasped, reaching down to position himself as one of his hands gripped my hip.

  “For fucking months now,” I smarted back, the words turning into a yell when he got sick of my smart mouth and jerked my hips down until I was full of him.

  “You okay?”

  “Stop asking!” I griped, moving my hips against his hands.

  “There’s my girl,” he replied. “Take it, Ladybug.”

  He let go of my hips, reaching around to hold my breasts and tweak my nipples as I rode him.

  Both of us were breathing heavily, and my head fell heavy against his shoulder when his hand slid down my belly in a soft caress and didn’t stop until he’d reached where our bodies connected.

  “You wanna come again, beautiful?” he asked.

  “Yes, please.”

  “So polite. Where’s the filthy-mouthed woman I’ve been living with for the past three months? Hmm?”

  His fingers twisted, and his breath shuddered against my skin before he bit down on the back of my neck, pushing me over the edge.

  Holy hell, I’d missed that.

  “I love you,” I said with a sigh as he held me close and lowered me to the bed.

  “I love you too, Ladybug,” he whispered into my neck.

  Chapter 38

  Casper

  Farrah was passed out across the bed. She’d moved around so much trying to get comfortable that she’d ended up completely sideways, with her head resting on my lower stomach and her hands in one of my armpits. The way her body was positioned looked ridiculous . . . and beautiful. I propped a pillow underneath my head so I could stare.

  Her body had grown curvier and curvier as her pregnancy progressed, and it wasn’t just her belly. Her ass, legs, arms, and tits had grown too. Even her face had changed, her cheeks rounding out and her lips swollen into a pout that was as sexy as hell. It was like looking at a completely different woman, still just as beautiful, but in a different way.

  She looked like some sort of fertility goddess.

  I ran my fingers through her hair as she slept, and hated myself.

  God, I’d been such an idiot. I hadn’t touched her in so long that I’d felt like my dick was going to fall off, but I thought that was what she wanted. After her surgery, she’d been out of commission for about six weeks, and we’d gotten into a pattern by then that I hadn’t been able to shake.

  Farrah had never been shy about sex. We’d tried everything, and more often than not she’d initiated it. So when she wasn’t pushing me or asking for it, I’d assumed that she just wasn’t feeling it. And you know what they say about people who assume.

  Christ.

  I should have known. I really should have. Because here was the thing about Farrah—if she was sure about someone, she was an open book, but if she wasn’t sure, she closed up tighter than a bank vault. I knew that. But after her discussion with Slider and my complete fuckup, she hadn’t been sure about me anymore and I’d missed it. She’d needed the reassurance that I still wanted her in order to get to the place where she’d ask me for what she deserved from me. And I hadn’t given her that reassurance.

  Instead, I’d walked around on fucking eggshells, trying to show her how much I loved her without stepping on her toes.

  My head was still so fucked up from that shit in Portland, I couldn’t tell which way was up.

  The whole time I was trying to give her fucking space, she’d been waiting for me to make the first move. Me—the guy who had left her on the fucking bathroom floor while her appendix was close to bursting because he thought she’d been out partying. The guy who could have killed her because his head was so far up his ass he couldn’t even see what was happening right in front of him. She’d waited for me to figure my shit out and take charge like I had before, but somewhere along the way I’d lost my balls and hadn’t done it.

  What a goddamn mess.

  The woman I’d killed in Portland had been Ramon’s daughter, and that shit was messing with my head. I wasn’t sure if it would have been easier if she’d just been some McCafferty whore, but I thought it probably would have been. Then I wouldn’t have had to deal with the fallout.

  Ramon’s wife and teenage daughter had been in the club when we’d gotten back, and I’ll never forget the sobbing I’d heard when she realized that he hadn’t come back with us. We’d ended up leaving his body with his daughter’s for the police to find, hoping that they’d assume all the players had been killed for the same reason. Drugs. We’d left him like the traitor he was, and I knew none of the boys felt comfortable with it, including Poet, who’d made the call.

  After Poet had ushered Ramon’s wife, Roberta, into one of the back rooms, her screams had echoed through the clubhouse.

  I’d never forget the sound of that as long as I lived.

  I knew logically that I hadn’t had a choice. Carmella had shot Slider and wouldn’t have hesitated to keep shooting if I hadn’t dropped her, but that didn’t make it any easier. I’d been raised to protect women, to coddle them and make sure they were safe. It was one of the things that my dad had been absolutely relentless about, teaching me from the time I was old enough to understand that women were made to be protected, that it was my job to look after my sister and any other women in my life.

  I’d failed more times than I could count.

  I was still failing, and for some reason I couldn’t name, it felt like something was coming and I had no clue how to prepare for it.

  I turned my head to the side to check the clock, surprised to find it was already close to ten. Farrah had been sleeping for almost three hours already. Apparently the sex hadn’t worked to get her labor started. Poor thing, she was miserable. My little princess needed to get a move on before Farrah completely lost it.

  I was debating whether I should get up and make her something to eat, or let her sleep, when she began to stir.

  “Hey, handsome,” she called sleepily, moving her hands out of my armpit. “Did you get any sl
eep?”

  I shook my head, and couldn’t help but smile as she crinkled her nose at me. Why was that so fucking cute?

  “You’ve just been watching me sleep like a creeper?”

  “Pretty much.”

  She thought about it for a minute, then smiled and nodded. “I’m okay with that.”

  “You hungry, Ladybug?” I asked, running one finger down her cheek and into her mouth. God, her lips had been killing me since they’d started to swell up a couple weeks before. I wanted them around my cock.

  She sucked my finger into her mouth, smiling around it.

  Game on.

  “Hands and knees, baby,” I ordered, then waited for her to comply before climbing to my knees.

  Her eyes were sleepy, looking half-drunk and mysterious, and I wondered if I’d ever completely know the woman in front of me.

  I pulled her hair gently from her face as I knelt in front of her, gathering it into a ponytail and wrapping my fingers around it. When she licked her lips, I shuddered.

  “Keep your hands on the bed, Ladybug,” I warned her. “I don’t want you to fall.”

  I slid one hand over her shoulder, making my way to where my cock rested against my belly, but before I could push it level with her mouth, she’d leaned forward, pulling against the grip I had on her hair to suck one of my balls into her mouth.

  “Motherfucker!” I hissed, making her laugh. The vibration of it was like a jolt to my already sensitive cock and it flexed, bobbing against my stomach. “Holy hell, baby,” I said with a groan.

  She switched to the other side, humming quietly, and my head snapped back. God, that felt incredible.

  When she pulled back, it took me a second to get with the program. She tilted her head back as far as it would go to meet my eyes, and the smile on her face made me want to cry like a bitch. She was happy, and it was the first time I’d seen that look on her face in a long fucking time.

  “You set the pace,” I said, pushing my cock down to her lips. “Don’t want you to choke.”

  She pulled me into her mouth, using her tongue to rub over the sensitive spot right under the head, and I huffed out a shaky breath. She knew exactly what I liked, and there was something to be said about learning a person for months. The sex—any type or variation—just got better and better.

  I cupped her face gently, rubbing my thumb over her lips where they were stretched around me.

  “Sexy as fuck,” I said.

  Swaying her hips, she bobbed back and forth, pulling back until she could lick the tip and then sliding forward until I was as far back into her throat as she could stand. She could go deeper, she’d done it before, but I didn’t care. It was her show, and while I loved the silky feeling at the back of her throat, I had absolutely no complaints.

  My balls drew up tight, and I relished the feeling for a moment before pulling out of her mouth, gripping her hair tightly as she tried to follow.

  “No more, Ladybug.” I gasped, trying to catch my breath. “Lay down.”

  She pouted as she followed my direction and lay down on her side, and if my jaw hadn’t been clenched tight enough to crack a tooth, I would have smiled.

  I leaned down to kiss her, and my cock jumped when she sucked my tongue into her mouth. Reaching behind her, I drew one of her legs up so I could run my fingers over her pussy. Wet. Fuck me.

  “You like sucking my cock?” I asked, raising one eyebrow.

  “I’ve missed him,” she answered with a shrug.

  I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. How had we gone so long without this?

  “Lift your arm up,” I whispered, running my lips up her side. Once her top arm was lying relaxed over her head, I leaned back to take her in.

  She was on her left side, her belly resting against the bed, one leg slightly bent, and the other pulled up until her thigh touched her belly. One of her arms was curled under her, pillowing her head, and the other was lifted high, showing off her fucking fantastic tits.

  They’d grown a lot. More than I could have ever imagined. They were so big that they sloped toward the bed, resting against each other, something they wouldn’t have done before she was pregnant. Her nipples and areolas were darker too, and they’d grown right along with the rest of her tits.

  I decided right then that as soon as she had the baby and I didn’t have to worry about her on her back for too long, I was going to fuck those tits.

  “You want me here?” I asked, running my fingers over her clit and pinching it hard. “Or here?” I slid two fingers inside her. “Or here?” I pulled my fingers back, running them lightly over the small pucker of her ass.

  She moaned long and deep, arched her back, and groaned. “Fuck me.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Vagina,” she said with a growl as I continued to play.

  “Are you a doctor?”

  “I’m going to kill you.” She moaned in frustration. “Quit fucking around.”

  “That’s my girl. Use your words, Farrah.”

  She screeched in frustration as I pulled my fingers away, and the hand resting above her head gripped the sheets. “My cunt!”

  “God, that dirty mouth is sexy,” I said, scooting up her body until I was braced above her and pushing inside.

  Then I saw her face more clearly. “Aw, don’t cry, baby. What’s wrong?”

  Tears were running over the bridge of her nose and dripping onto the sheet under her.

  “I’m frustrated,” she said, then sniffled, arching into me. “Stupid fucking hormones!”

  “I was just teasing, Ladybug,” I murmured, leaning down to run my lips over the eyelid I could reach as I started to thrust.

  “I know. Ah, harder,” she demanded.

  Leaning back up so I had some leverage, I slammed in harder, trying not to worry that I’d hurt her. She’d tell me if something hurt, right? Yeah, she’d tell me. And, fuck, I didn’t want to stop, she felt so good.

  As I watched, her face flushed and her eyes closed. She was concentrating hard, trying to get there, but I knew she wouldn’t. She needed my hand for that, and I wasn’t ready to let her come yet. I started thrusting in short jabs, my eyes locked on the way her tits bounced up and down, and almost paused as her pussy started tightening around my cock in pulsing waves.

  Holy shit.

  Her moan was high pitched and sounded almost painful as she came around me.

  I couldn’t stop my orgasm. The surprise of hers and the way her muscles gripped me pulled me right over the edge.

  Well, shit. That had never happened before.

  “Good Lord.” She groaned as I panted above her, not ready to pull out quite yet. “I take it back, these pregnancy hormones are the shit.”

  “You think you’re in labor yet?” I asked, leaning down to rest on my forearms above her so I could reach her lips.

  “Nope,” she answered against my mouth.

  “We’ll just have to try again.”

  “Damn right,” she said with a tired smile.

  Chapter 39

  Farrah

  After two days of reconnecting with Cody, I went into labor.

  I don’t think the sex worked, but the relaxed state of my body probably helped.

  It took ten hours from start to finish, and most of those hours were spent walking the maternity floor. So. Very. Boring. Then after getting an epidural—I was no masochist—just fifteen minutes of pushing like my life depended on it and she was there.

  My room was full of people, including two nurses, the doctor, Gram, Cody, and Callie. But when they placed my baby on my chest for the first time, everyone else faded away.

  She was bald as a cue ball, covered in nasty white gunk, her skin all red and wrinkled. Perfection.

  “You did good, Ladybug,” Cody murmured, covering my hand on her back with his own.

  “I pretty much rocked it.” I nodded, sniffling.

  The entire room burst into laughter, and I closed my eyes to take it in
. I was done. After months of waiting and impatience, she was finally there.

  “You’re not done yet, Mama,” the doctor reminded me, pulling me out of my bliss. Crap.

  Cody cut the cord connecting us, and he didn’t leave her side as they took her to the side of the room as I finished pushing out all traces of my pregnancy. It was seriously unpleasant.

  “Six pounds, eight ounces!” Cody called excitedly.

  “We’re gonna go outside and give you guys a little time,” Gram said, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “You did real good. Way better than Callie.”

  “Hey! Extenuating circumstances! My guy wasn’t there!” Callie argued with a smile, bumping her hip against Gram as she leaned down to give me a hug. “She’s gorgeous,” she whispered in my ear. “Nice work.”

  When it was just me and Cody, I scooted gingerly to the side of the bed so he could sit with me. They’d piled shit under me while I was laboring, and like magic, had whisked it all away when I was done, leaving me on clean sheets. Those nurses knew what they were doing.

  “She looks like you,” I murmured as he handed her to me.

  “Yeah.” His voice was barely audible as he watched her. “She’s got your eyebrows, though.”

  I searched her face, almost completely devoid of any eyebrows. “How do you know? You can barely see them.”

  “God wouldn’t saddle a girl with these things,” he replied seriously, making me smile.

  “I can’t believe she’s finally here.”

  “Me either. We should probably name her,” he reminded me.

  We hadn’t talked about it, even though people had been asking us her name for months. I didn’t know why he’d never brought it up, but I’d been too nervous. It had felt like I’d be jinxing her or something if I named her before she was born. Like tempting fate.

  “I want to name her after Gram,” I said.

  “Yeah?”

  There was a knock on the door, and both of us looked toward it as it opened a few inches.

  “Can I come in?” Slider called quietly.

  He’d been cool, showing up at the hospital after news had spread around the club. He hadn’t bothered me, or got in my face, but he’d spent the entire ten hours in the waiting room with Vera and other club members.