Craving Absolution Read online

  So instead of making a decision and standing by it, no matter how bad it hurt or how much it scared me, I decided to take the coward’s way out and do nothing. I’d continue on as we were, having fun and ridiculously good sex, with one small difference.

  I had to push my guard back into place. I’d been foolish to drop it around him, letting him see too much. That was going to change today. When he left, I’d be prepared. It was the only way I could carry on with whatever it was we were doing without losing myself entirely in the process.

  “Can’t believe you woke up before me,” he called from the bed, startling me as I slipped into a pair of powder-blue cigarette pants and a short-sleeved button-down blouse.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I answered, keeping my eyes averted from the bed as I started unpacking my bedroom. If he was already awake, there was no reason to avoid the room anymore.

  “I was a dick last night.”

  “No, just pissy,” I reassured him with a fake smile. “Not a big deal.” I blew off what sounded like the beginning of an apology with the wave of a hand. “I hung out with Gram and we got a ton of her kitchen stuff put away, so it actually turned out good that you left.”

  I was using all the bravado I could muster, talking to him over my shoulder as I unpacked, and it seemed to be working. He didn’t say anything more as he got up and walked out of the room, and my shoulders dropped in relief when I was sure he couldn’t see me.

  I could do it. I could brace myself without causing some huge argument, I just had to be stealthy about it, and when he left me I wouldn’t say a word about it. Things could go back to how they were before, without any drama or fanfare, and I’d be able to keep my little adoptive family.

  It could work.

  I turned to him when he came back in the room, and couldn’t help the way my gaze roved over his mostly naked body. He wasn’t huge but his muscles were evident, with a six-pack that showed up when he flexed, and strong, defined thighs. I hated when guys had a ton of upper-body strength, but their legs were as skinny as mine. It looked ridiculous.

  Cody wasn’t lanky, but he wasn’t big and beefy either. He was streamlined, muscular, but more compact than a guy who spent all his time at the gym. I wondered if it was just good genes that gave him that body.

  “Do you work out?” I mumbled, never taking my eyes away from his chest and the small sprinkling of hair there.

  His laughter snapped me out of my fog, but not before I realized he’d grown hard as I was staring.

  “Yeah, I run and lift some weights. Don’t do it as much as I should, though, haven’t had the time lately.” He crossed the room until he was standing right in front of me, and I didn’t stop him as he slowly unbuttoned my shirt. “You like what you see?”

  “Eh, it’s okay,” I answered with a shrug, the hitch in my breath completely belying my words. “I’ve seen better.”

  One eyebrow rose as he pushed my shirt off my shoulders, his jaw clenching as he saw what I had on underneath. I wasn’t wearing a bra—I didn’t really need one—just a small camisole edged in lace that I’d found in one of my favorite thrift shops. My hard nipples were on display through the pale blue silk, and I shuddered as his thumbs immediately ghosted over them as he wrapped his fingers around the sides of my chest.

  “You’ve had better?” he asked softly, unfastening my pants and pushing my underwear with them to the floor.

  “Seen.” I cleared my throat in nervousness, his expression no longer playful as he grabbed a condom off the dresser. “I’ve seen better.” I didn’t know why I was pushing him; my joke had taken on a completely different tone by that point, sounding like a challenge I hadn’t intended.

  He grabbed my wrist as he spun on his heel and stalked toward the bed, dragging me behind him until he’d sat down and scooted up against the headboard. His body was tight, all the muscles I’d been ogling on full display as he pushed down his boxers and rolled on a condom, and I’d started to quietly back away when his head snapped up.

  “Get over here,” he growled, making my heart race.

  I moved forward cautiously, climbing onto the bed and moving toward him on my knees, but apparently I wasn’t fast enough because as soon as he could reach me, he dragged me over his lap.

  “On your knees,” he rasped, turning me to face away from him so I was straddling his thighs.

  “Cody—” He was beginning to make me nervous, and while I knew he’d never hurt me, I’d never reacted well to the unknown.

  “Quiet, Farrah.” The intensity, the raw need in his voice caused my mouth to snap shut in surprise. “Down on your elbows.”

  When I hesitated briefly, he pinched me lightly on the ass—startling me into submission, which pissed me off. Why was I letting him talk to me like that? Before I could turn around to bitch him out, his hands were on my ass cheeks, pulling them apart.

  “Don’t ever compare me to anyone else, Ladybug,” he ordered, leaning in to run his tongue lightly from the top of my clit all the way back to right before the pucker of my ass. “You’ve never had better than me. You’ll never have better than me. I’ve taken care of you for goddamn years, watching you do your thing and getting nothing out of it except for the peace of mind of knowing you were safe.”

  His tongue burrowed inside me and my whole body clenched, my hips arching back toward him as I dropped my head to the bed between my hands. I couldn’t get close enough to him, scratching against the soft sheet beneath us with my fingernails as I pushed back against his mouth. His hands were firm on the back of my legs, his thumbs framing my pussy as he held me still.

  “I’ve always taken care of you, Farrah,” he rasped with a small bite to my lips before focusing on my clit. He licked in small circles almost leisurely while I panted and mewled into the bed, acting as if he had all the time in the world, until suddenly he started rubbing up and down fast and slipped first one, then the other thumb inside me. I lost it, screaming into the bed as I came.

  I barely noticed as he pushed me forward, pulling his body up and over me from behind. He braced himself above me, tilting my hips to get the angle he wanted as he used the stubble on his chin to push my curls over one shoulder, leaving my back bare above the silky camisole. He paused for a moment, leaving me panting and tilting my hips up just a little farther in anticipation, but his next words made me freeze.

  “Nobody will ever take care of you as good as I do. No one will ever fuck you as good as I do. I’m it for you, Ladybug. Now, scream my name so I know you heard me,” he instructed in a gravelly voice.

  He bit down on the back of my neck and shoved forward, seating himself in me on the first thrust. I yelped and tried in vain to pull my hips forward as he pulled halfway out and thrust again, so sensitive from my orgasm that the feeling was almost painful, but he didn’t let me move. Instead he tempered his thrusts, going easy until I was ready for more, then picked up the pace as I started moaning beneath him, his teeth never leaving my neck.

  As he came, I realized two things. There were going to be bruises in the shape of teeth marks on my neck, directly over Echo’s memorial tattoo. He’d covered up Echo’s mark with his own.

  As much as I wanted to keep my distance, Cody was just as determined to break through.

  Yeah . . . I was completely and utterly fucked.

  Chapter 9

  Casper

  Farrah tried to play off the night before as if it hadn’t mattered, but I knew it did. I’d fucked up, overacting about that fucking tattoo and then leaving her after she’d already had such a shitty night. I’d been so pissed that she’d tattooed something on her body for him, I was afraid I’d do something I’d regret—like telling her what a piece of shit her precious Echo was. So I’d left instead, which I realized later was just as bad.

  I’d gotten on my bike and gone to the club, checking in with the brothers to make sure I was still good for some time off. I hadn’t thought my trip through, in more ways than one, and running into Slider w
hen I hit the bar was weird as fuck for both of us. He’d known I was going down to knock some sense into his daughter, and there was a good chance I’d be coming back to Oregon with her¸ but he probably hadn’t thought it would actually work.

  Slider’s relationship with Farrah was pretty nonexistent; they’d only met when Grease had put some shit together after he’d realized Farrah’s mom was a bitch that Slider used to fuck at the club. Slider had known about his daughter, there was no question about that, but he’d ignored her for years because he didn’t want to mess up shit with his old lady. The man came through, though, when he found out Farrah was being abused. He’d gone to Sacramento and dispensed his own brand of justice on Natasha and her fuckbag old man, but by then it had been too late for Farrah to ever want anything to do with him.

  It was a shitty situation and I could see both sides of it, even if I didn’t agree with either one. I couldn’t imagine leaving one of my kids, especially with a bitch like Natasha, but I hadn’t been around then, and I had a feeling there was more to the story than what we’d been told. It seemed like Farrah was being pretty stubborn about the whole issue, though. The man had raced to her rescue as soon as he’d known she was in trouble, taking out the fuckers who’d hurt her—one of them an Ace—without batting an eyelash. That had to count for something, right?

  He’d been pissed when I claimed her at the club, making sure everyone knew she was mine, but he hadn’t said a word. What could he say? She didn’t want anything to do with him, and if he didn’t want to alienate her further, he’d have to keep his mouth shut. Even if he hated it.

  Most of the boys had been in the clubhouse last night, and I’d had the chance to shoot the shit with Dragon for a while. I hadn’t seen him since the night he’d gotten out of jail, and at that point he’d been too interested in getting to Brenna to say anything to anyone. The man was doing good, happy to be home and excited as fuck that he’d knocked Brenna up again. By the time I left to get back to Farrah, he’d invited both of us to a barbeque at his place with Tommy Gun’s family, and Grease and Callie.

  So this morning I lay in bed as Farrah went to clean up and do all her girly shit again, debating how I’d ask her to go with me. She wasn’t going to be down with driving to the club, and it wouldn’t matter that Dragon and Brenna’s house was set apart from it. We’d still be on club property, and since Brenna was close with Slider’s old lady, Vera, there was a good chance one or the both of them would show up at some point.

  It was a recipe for disaster, but if Farrah stayed in Oregon, I wanted her to have a network of people she could reach out to if she couldn’t get to me. Before long, I’d be heading out on runs, and I needed to know that if something went down while I was gone, there were people in the club that she knew she could trust.

  “Hey, Ladybug?” I called out as I climbed off the bed. Shit, I needed a shower. I was pretty sure I smelled like sex and sweat.

  “What’s up?” She walked in looking as perfect as she had before I’d pulled her into bed, and I wanted to pull her back in so she had that just-fucked look again.

  “You got plans today?” I asked as I pulled clothes out of my duffel bag. Shit, a shower and then laundry. Thank Christ these new apartments had a washer and dryer in them. I hated the fucking Laundromat.

  “No. I think Gram and I were going to see if we could find me some cheap furniture, but nothing definite. Why?”

  “Got invited to Dragon and Brenna’s for a barbeque today.” I watched her closely for a response but got nothing, her face devoid of emotion. “Callie and Grease are gonna be there.”

  “Okay, what time?”

  Although her eyes were steady on mine, she’d swallowed hard after she asked, her nervousness apparent if I watched carefully.

  “Dragon said one o’clock, so we’ve still got a few hours to kill,” I answered slowly, waiting for any other indication that she was going to balk.

  “Okay, I’m going to head to Gram’s for a bit then. See if she needs any more help.” She grabbed some earrings off the top of the dresser, looking at the floor as she put them on. As soon as they were in, her shoulders straightened as she met my eyes. “The dick and his bitch-face wife going to be there?”

  “Not sure yet, babe. D didn’t say anything about them, but there’s a good chance.”

  She nodded as I spoke and then spun toward the door, stopping at the threshold as I called out to her.

  “Come kiss me.”

  “I’ll be back in a little bit,” she answered quietly, never turning around.

  “Come kiss me, Farrah.” I wasn’t going to let her walk out without reminding her what I was to her. She wasn’t in it alone anymore, and by the way she was acting, I knew she needed some reassurance.

  She took a deep breath before turning around and making her way back to me, her shoulders still straight and proud as if she didn’t have a care in the world. She rose up on her toes to reach my face, and I didn’t help her as she brought her mouth to mine. Her hand slid around the back of my head, her nails scratching lightly against my scalp as she puckered up and gave me a soft peck, but it wasn’t what I was looking for.

  As soon as she pulled away, I followed her, leaning down to push my tongue between her lips in a rough kiss, ruining her bright red lipstick, but being careful not to fuck up her hair again by keeping my hands gripping the cheeks of her ass.

  “Don’t forget your shoes, Ladybug,” I told her as I let her go, stepping around her to head toward the shower.

  As soon as I heard the front door shut, I turned on the shower and stepped into the hot spray. I hadn’t planned on her agreeing to the barbeque so quickly, but I really shouldn’t have been surprised. Farrah didn’t back away from anything, especially a challenge, and she knew if I’d canceled on Dragon, everyone would have known it was because of her. Her pride wouldn’t have been able to handle that type of blow, so she’d agreed to visit a place she hated and spend time with people she didn’t want to know, just to save face.

  I was both proud of her and irritated as hell that she hadn’t told me how she really felt about it. If I was going to be her man, I needed to know when something was bothering her. I couldn’t do shit to protect her if I didn’t know there was a problem. If I hadn’t been watching so closely and known her so well, I would have missed the subtle tightening of her throat as we’d discussed it, and I’d have been walking into the situation blind—which worried the shit out of me. Her armor was already clicking back into place after I’d fucked up the night before, I could see it, and there was fuck all I could do to stop it.

  I’d been ready to talk her into it, convinced that it would be good for her—for us—but as I stepped out of the shower into the quiet apartment, I had a really bad feeling about the fucking barbeque.

  Chapter 10

  Farrah

  I talked Gram into going to Dragon and Brenna’s house with us. I knew Callie would be there; she was the type to join the crowd and make friends, but she’d be with Grease and I didn’t want to rely on her to have my back if I needed her. At least with Gram there, I knew there was someone who wouldn’t be distracted. If Gram was nothing else, she was a fierce protector of her kids, and somehow I’d become one of them.

  As we pulled in the gate and drove slowly down the gravel driveway in Gram’s car with Cody leading the way on his bike, I felt myself begin to sweat. I needed to get my shit together before we arrived if I had any hope of leaving again unscathed. I was under no illusion that the people at the barbeque would like me. After all, I was the bastard child of a man whose wife they were really close to; I didn’t belong there.

  We climbed out of the car in front of a small house, and I shifted Gram’s potato salad in my arms. I hadn’t thought to bring anything with me, and I’d been silently freaking the fuck out until Gram pushed it into my hands. I couldn’t take credit for it, but at least I wouldn’t have to walk in empty-handed. Gram must have read my mind because she’d made a big show about how her
arthritis was so bad she couldn’t carry it . . . and then insisted on driving.

  Cody ushered us up the steps of a small covered front porch, practically pushing us inside. I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was doing at first, since his movements were jerky as he opened the screen without knocking and quickly ushered Gram inside. My hands had grown a little sweaty, though, so I’d glanced down at the salad bowl to rearrange it in my arms, and saw what he’d been trying to shield us from. A huge bloodstain sat directly to the right of our path, faded a darker brown than the weathered boards surrounding it.

  He made a noise in the back of his throat as I stopped short, my stomach dropping. Oh God. It was Cody’s blood.

  I was frozen, unable to look away from it when he grabbed my chin hard and jerked my face toward his.

  “It’s over, Ladybug. Don’t look at it, baby. Don’t think about it.”

  I nodded mutely, my heart thumping in my chest as we followed Gram into the house. I wasn’t sure how I’d get that stain out of my head. I knew he was protecting Brenna when he’d been shot, but I never imagined that I’d face such a stark reminder. Why the hell hadn’t they replaced those boards?

  There was no one in the house, so we followed the noise of people into the backyard. It was open, only a couple of trees between what they used as a yard and the huge field beyond it, and was filled with kid stuff.

  I pushed my sunglasses on to hide my reaction and take in the crowd before me. A small plastic pool sat off to the left, a little girl and boy playing in it with Barbies and plastic dinosaurs floating around them. Another little girl screamed as she ran through a sprinkler just past the pool, her hair a tangled mess of curls. And two more little girls sat in the grass, picking dandelions and throwing them in the air.